Discipline and the Permissive Parent

Walking into the laundry room, I pause a moment and count to ten. The litter box of the kitten that was begged and pleaded for was still not cleaned after a fourth reminder .  I grew up free. By that I'm not talking about where I was born, i.e. America, land of the free. I mean I basically raised myself.  The majority of my childhood memories are of me being alone.  My dad worked a lot and my mom.... well I'm not really sure where she was.  As a child of maybe 4 or 5, I remember waking up in the morning and her being there. But the rest of the day it was very vague as to whether she was actually around,  my brother was 12 years older than me and told me he or my dad would come home often and find me alone on the house, usually watching tv.  Mr Rogers and Captian Kangaroo were my best friends. Alot of my childhood also consisted of my mother laying in bed a huge amount of time. It wasn’t until I got older that I understood what she had been going through. Depression is not something that was necessarily recognized, much less discussed back then.  I imagine that taints the memories held by my father and brother as to what truly was happening. And let’s face it, understanding the inner emotional deficiencies of the female psyche takes a rare individual , of which I doubt neither would describe themselves as being. 

However, if it wasn't an occasional trip over to the local beach or a church meeting, my life consisted of my home and back yard.  It was lonely and isolated. I grew up desperate for friends which unfortunately set a pattern of really crappy companions, both romantic and platonic.  Life for me was limited.

When I had kids, I was determined they would not be lonely.  I first conquered this by having 4 of them.  If nothing else, they had each other. A stability I never had. Second, extra curricular activities. Gymnastics, martial arts, soccer, swimming. This was also a definite no no in my childhood.  Activities outside the Circle would lead to bad association and influences. It also took focus off the religion’s  main goal of prostiltizing, growing its member numbers. Third, I did things with them.  I was obsessive about planning things. I planned outings, parties, vacations. Everything was oriented on accommodating the children.  My kids have been from Disney World to Rome, riding roller coasters to looking at great works of art.  Their view of the world is much greater than the space inside the backyard fence.  It is diverse, cultured, and always on the go.   It's exhausting. But they have so much fun.  Looking back on my childhood, I can not say it was fun or even happy.

Discipline has been a struggle for me. I came from a home where I basically did whatever I wanted and somehow never crossed a line or got into serious trouble. Setting boundaries for my children has been comical and almost non existent. I would like to say while pair bonded with their dad, there was a balance, but I can't.  He claims to have raised himself as well. Most of his childhood stories involve siblings or cousins rather than parents. I wasn’t there so I couldn’t testify one way or another.  His parenting style was play with them, then ignore them, then blow up at them if he was asked to help or step in and handle something.   The latter was harsh. He once told me when he was seeing a therapist and was talking about disciplining our son, the therapist stopped him mid sentence and told him to choose his words carefully as she had to report anything that was harmful to the child. ( Military therapists.  Always looking out for the soldier, even at the expense of the family ) Anyhow, as the years ticked away, I realized his parenting style and mine were polar opposites. And while I knew my kids needed a little more structure, it was easier to just handle things my way rather than involving their father.  During  out of town jobs, trainings, deployment, the separation, and the weird situation we find ourselves in now, the responsibility of child rearing falls on me alone.

I never wanted my kids to be "yes men" . I truly wanted them to, unlike me, stand up for themselves and what they believe in, skilled in critical thinking and problem solving.  This presents a puzzle for discipline.  How much is too much? Was I letting them run the show or was I restricting their leadership skills? It became a maddening balance act in which I rarely was successful.  I read an article on permissive parenting.  The description fit me to a tee. The results listed however, didn't seem to fit my kids.
1.low achievement due to having nothing to strive for
   (My kids despite a couple with learning disabilities and shyness, make the honor roll every report card)
2. Make poor decisions
    (I am continuously surprised at how balanced they are in their thinking and situational problem solving )
3. Display more aggression and less emotional understanding.
   ( my kids have volunteered in soup kitchens, donated clothes to the poor, comfort friends, Comfort opponents during sporting events. And they hug.  Oh do they hug)
4.more prone to delinquency and substance abuse.
(they beg to go to school even when they are legitimately sick, and forgive me, but if they develop substance abuse issues it will be because they have watched their father nurse nothing less than a 12 pack a day for years rather than my parenting skills)

Am I saying the study was wrong? No. I suspect there is truth in the research. How did I end up with kids that are complimented by others regardless of my inability to establish rules, use of bribery, and rarely enforcing consequences? I have no clue.  Seriously. But there are days when my teenager habitually "forgets" to do the simplest of chores and lectures me on how out of touch with the way things are these days, I struggle.  Wishing I had a yes man that would just make my day easier and not debate and negotiate everything.  I have to remind myself that teenagers act out and rebel. That this beautiful child of mine is kind, generous, and ambitious.  She is on track to independence, a goal that was never encouraged to me.  So on those days ........I take a breath, count to Ten, and list all the good qualities they have.   On particularly rough days I turn up the volume on my outdated iPod and jam .

Interruptions

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something, whether it be important news or random conversation, and right in the middle they bring up an entirely different subject. As if the words you were selecting so carefully were but a whistle of wind passing through their ears? Sharing information through conversation brings people together. It is a social concept that bonds groups and individuals to each other through shared experiences, laughter, tears, joy.  A person desperate to make a connection with someone looks for opportunities to find that connection.  It happens to me a lot. Not only with my husband but with friends and family, even co workers.  My natural speech is slow and deliberate, yet I find myself rushing my thoughts passed my lips in an attempt to get them out before someone more important begins their thoughts over top of mine mid sentence. Or I end up repeating myself or continuing to "beat a dead horse" simply because I'm afraid that they haven't really been listening. And Knowing that what I say will be forgotten two beers later ... well that just freaking sucks. Not to mention makes me feel like crap.

Tonight many are glued to the tv watching Hurricane Irma roll in.  I have family in Florida and have kept in touch with the latest on evacuations, flood and wind protection, and supply gathering. A conversation with my husband began about the storm. I said, " I was talking to my cousin's wife today and she said their area can withstand winds up to 115 mph. I saw in the news it should downgrade to a category 2 by the time it reaches them but I think the mph is still above that. I think they are....."
"Dang, Troy Gentry died."
I was thrown by the random comment. And wasn't quite clear about what just happened. "Who, uh who is that?" I asked. He responds " you know, the country singer." Oh yes I know that person. A brief synopsis was discussed about him and what happened. The interruption was so common that I didn't even realize it at first.  I have been doing a lot of self discovery lately however, and as the chat died down, it dawned on me that I had not finished my thought.
"You know," I said, " I was talking about my family before you inte..."
"Oh yeah sorry ." ((Fluffs pillow)) "Hey, don't you have some family still in Florida? Or did they move?"
"I was actually talking about just that."
"Oh ok sorry". ((Shuffle shuffle flip )) as he gets comfortable enough to relax.
"Man, I have not slept in so long. My insomnia is killing me...." and that ended the evening before he began to softly snore.

Times like these I truly try to be objective and honest with myself.  Was I overreacting? Could he have thought I was finished speaking? Was what I was saying even worth listening to?  My mind drifts back to a session with our marriage counselor during one of the sessions that my husband could not make. I was crying quietly and saying that maybe everybody would be happier without me around. What did I have to offer anyone?
This burly, retired Sgt Major turned therapist leans in and softly says, "((Insert my name))  he has made you feel unworthy. We have to get you to understand the value you hold."
This stood out to me, because up to this point all the couples counseling had been very unbiased. Two people in a room facing a  neutral party to translate and sometime referee the session.  This time he was very blunt and to the point. Opening his mouth and sharing his actual opinion. Not very textbook. But I guess that's the difference between couples counseling and individual counseling. One on one and the gloves come off so to speak.  It was at this same session that he told me that he felt my husband had RAD, reactive attachment disorder . A diagnosis that changed my attitude toward whether my marriage could or would stand the test of time.... but that is another story for another time.  Just remember, no matter the relationship, listening is the key to closeness. Not only bonding and building trust, but triggering something inside the person sharing. Telling them, they are important, they have merit.  Listen to those you care for and they will listen to you.  Let them roll over and feel at peace with the life they are living, rather than feeling empty and full of self doubt.