Forgiveness (Part 2)

The betrayal of a lover devastating.  However I do not think there is anything more gut wrenching than the betrayal of a friend.  I think a lot of times individuals don’t ever truly let their guard down in love.  In friendship however, it is not uncommon to share the secrets you carry deep within your soul.

My first husband could have made cheating an Olympic sport.  There were plenty of red flags before marriage but we were raised that sex before marriage was prohibited. In fact dating itself was for the purpose of finding a marriage mate.  It was not a social activity or rite of passage. It wasn’t a way for one to get to know and explore different personalities, allowing them to grow and figure out what they wanted in a lifetime partner. Marrying young was a given. We were red blooded teenagers in search of taboo.  I was actually older than most at a month shy of 24. My husband was 18. The week we came home from our honeymoon he started a six month affair with one of my friends that I have known from childhood. The day he confessed to me that it had happened I was in shock.  I could not even think.  I started to have problems breathing, my vision had this grey fog as if maybe I was going to pass out.  My body was shaking uncontrollably.  His attempts to comfort me just made things worse. It was at this point I realized that toward him I felt anger, a deep disgusting loathing of fury. But I was not surprised by the confession.  In fact I had many premonitions that this day would come.  It was expected. The pain was from the friends part.   This was where the hurt and agony was felt.  Memories of dancing around the back yard and driving through the country, head out the sunroof , hands up screaming in the wind, would flash through my mind. Long talks and secrets we shared echoed through my mind. I had never cried so hard in my life.  The relationship with my husband hit rocky ground but for me the abscence of her from my life was like a hammer to my soul.

My 2nd husband as mention before, excelled in the art of emotional affairs.  It was pointed out that his addictive personality could have something to do with it.  What he got from these women equaled a high. A release of uphoric chemicals in the brain that brought him up.  He could tell them anything, he could be anything, and they responded in ways that boosted his self esteem.   Eventually, he would realize he is not the man they think he is and the feeling comes down.  So he had to do it again and again to get the thrill.  But like most drug and alcohol experiences, it’s never going to feel as good as the first few times it happens. The body however, now craves what it had even if the high isn’t felt. He couldn’t stop because he would never run out of women and lies. The internet opened up limitless possibilities. While the discovery of these indiscretions was painful, there was none more damaging to me than yet another friend.   I was pregnant with our youngest child, he hated when I was pregnant. He also hated his job, which of course translated to hating his life.  My friend was going through a divorce. She was raised with us and married young too. Her husband however never got over the taste for young girls and she quickly aged out. He had eyes for the babysitter.  The magic of MySpace got all of us in touch with each other.  I can not tell you how lonely I felt during that time.  Many days I would wake up and the only thing that brightened my day was an email or message from her waiting to be read on my computer.  What I didn’t know was my husband was talking to her regularly as well. Thus began what a few counselors called an “inappropriate relationship” while others dubbed it an “emotional affair”, basically the same thing.  I did not find out until almost a year later.  When my husband had been acting strange. He kept baiting me, asking me what I had heard about him.  His paranoia was at a height I had never seen.  So I decided to do what he had dared me to do, and I went in search of his secret.   There on the computer screen inside his email were my friends boobs looking back at me.  The familiar feeling of icy cold from head to toe started to flow through me.  Those symptoms from years before came raging back. This could not be happening again.  Another friend lost and another marriage heading for annialation.

Forgiveness is a funny thing.  Two friends betrayals but different end results.  My friend from the first husband is still in my life.  Inevitably, the relationship is not the same and never will be.  But I have truly forgiven her.  I consider her a friend. I have confided in her, asked for advice and There is trust. The second is not that way.  Why the difference? Because of each woman’s response. My first friend upon learning I was aware, did not make excuses. A simple and honest apology came from her.   It was a few years before we reconnected, but not once did she contact my husband.  Even when we finally divorced, there was no rekindled relationship.The 2nd friend hung on. The two of them, husband and friend, coming up with creative ways to keep in touch.  The loss of control I felt over my life sent me to a very dark place.  Something inside me broke. I turned to what I had always done In the past, Forgiveness.  Years passed and I thought I had conquered the pain but, as my husband continued his online addictions, it was always present.  When my husband moved out, he told someone he was leaving me because this 2nd friend had broken up with her long term boyfriend.  My inquiries were met with denials, but my instinct had been right.  Over the years they kept that line of communication open. When they were both in limbo in their relationships they leaned on each other. My marriage over the past year has been a roller coaster.  Sometimes we had reconciled sometimes we hadn’t, Up and down like a see saw.  But in the back ground she was always there lurking, available for whatever boost he needed and calling it friendship.  Again he opens everything up to me, saying check on him at anytime, and it would prove he had nothing to hide.  I was his one and only.  What I didn’t realize at the time was he had hidden accounts under a fake name for the majority of his correspondence. But there was one he forgot about. One he missed. So as I stared at yet another picture of her tits in his inbox from only 3 months prior, I could not help but think my mother was right.  I forgive too easily.  The explanation from her was “most of her friends have seen her tits so it should no big deal”, and that “it was no different than what he would see on a porn site.” So what’s wrong with it? Maybe I’m just an old fashioned kind of woman but I think something’s very wrong with it, on both his and her part. This new snap shot had been sent during a time when he got drunk and filled out divorce papers.  So she had sent it I guess, to celebrate.  Congrats on the divorce, here’s the jugs that started it all. A joke to her, but an insult to me.   Sorry but that’s just a bad person.   A month after he filled those papers out, (that were never signed) he was begging me to just forget about them, to start over and give it another try, but he kept the photo and the “friendship”.  Now here’s another boundary issue.  If there is any chance at the marriage surviving there can be no “buddy”, no online women , no more any of it.  Whether we make it or not, I don’t know.  But forgiveness from this point on is given in small quantities. I miss the person I was, but the person I am now refuses to let the old me out of the box.

Primal Scream

Have you ever had so much anger and hurt inside that you just start screaming in your car as you drive down the road? As it grows louder with each gasp, you finally pull over.  Finally you let out something from deep inside you.  It’s not a howl, it’s not a Hollywood horror film screech.... it’s a deep throated, gut wrenching, wild, animalistic roar from the deepest darkest depths of your soul.  A war cry meant to encite fear into the hearts of those unfortunate enough to hear. It’s a satisfying release.  Although if you end up breaking down into tears after,  you may find yourself on the side of the road sobbing hysterically with a sympathetic cop watching over you till you pull your shit together..... just sayin’

Forgiveness? (Part 1)

When I was a teenager, my mother told me that I was too forgiving .  I found her comment absurd.  How could someone be too forgiving? Is that not the basis of religion as well as mental health?Forgiveness leads to healing.  Over the years,  I used forgiveness as a way to make peace, not only within myself but between myself and the individual I was at odds with.  It wasn’t just a mental act on my part. I physically made attempts at making peace and forgiving transgressions, even if they were not asked for or deserved.  I would think about that person, what they liked, what they enjoyed, desired, needed.  For neighbors falling on hard times, I would go through my freezer and deliver food. For arguments between friends, I would find something sentimental to the relationship and offer it up whether it be a gift or a letter,  for women who continually invaded my romantic life, I would go shopping.  When my 1st husband had sex at an after work party with a co worker it was difficult to say the least.  The pain was unfortunately familiar as it was not his first transgression within the marriage.  The pain and jealousy in began to eat away inside me.  I could not take it anymore.  It was close to Christmas and I knew a few basic things about the woman from spending time at my husband’s work.   I knew she liked to cook, so I bought a hardcover recipe book from a well liked tourist attraction with fine dining restaurants.  She liked wine, so I picked out two delicate and etched wine glasses.  I wrapped them up, walked into her work, put the gifts in front of her, and walked away.  I was told there was a lot of shock and humility upon opening.  This was not my goal although admittedly it was an unexpected perk.  My goal was for this physical act to release the anger inside me.  It didn’t have anything to do with her or her feelings.  I could have cared less about that.  It was a tangible event that triggered forgiveness within myself.  A way for me to tell myself that it was ok to stop being angry at her.

Marriage to my 2nd husband was more complicated. Where my 1st husband had actual affairs involving sexual acts, my 2nd had emotional affairs.  It started out harmless enough that I could tell. The rise of the internet gave way to chat rooms and private messages. He began what would later be named “sexting” only it was carried out by aol and yahoo. He came to me saying his ex girlfriend popped up on the computer while he was playing an online game of backgammon and started talking to him.  They had played a few times and he said she told him that she wondered what I would think if I knew what was going on between them.  He stated he was afraid she would contact me and wanted to give me a heads up.  Time passed and more was revealed. They had actually been using the web cam. She wanted to see his dick and he obliged her.  He felt it would be better coming from him but I was assured it meant nothing.  The excuse was that he was drunk.  The conversation evolved into other women he had met in the chat rooms and encounters he had had.   He described it as nothing more than live porn and as we had looked at a few magazines and watched a few videos together, it was purely entertainment.  I was even encouraged to try it myself. What he described did not seem right to me, but I was a woman with two children and no means to support myself.  I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.  So I made a half hearted attempt.  I was terrible at it. I mostly had conversations about work, travel, hobbies, things I would have discussed with my husband. And I still felt as if I was cheating. I think I may have been the worst “sexter” ever.  As time and time again would prove, he had jealousy and trust issues.  He installed spyware onto the computer to be able to read everything I typed.  One night we were in a romantic embrace, and he broke down and told me about it.  He said he couldn’t handle the idea that I was involved in the act that he had introduced me to in the first place.  As I wasn’t really ok with it, I was eager to assure him that if he had issues with it then WE wouldn’t do it anymore.  Emphasis on we.   What follows was that I was held to a higher standard of loyalty than he would offer me.  He continued the online activity in secret, scooping up new technology as it became available, texting, MySpace, Facebook.  The online world was his oyster and it snowballed into something other than a midnight flash on a web cam.  Each time his activities were revealed to me it was like a dagger to my heart.   I felt if I was capable of obstaining from these activities because of his feelings, why was he not able to do the same? Was I not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, just plain Enough for him??? He was my knight in shining armor. Saving me from my last bad relationship. He was as my comfort and assurance that I deserved better. But here I was feeling like used garbage, worthless, and most of all disposable.  He could say there was only one me and tell me I was overreacting, but his actions kept saying otherwise.  How could someone love you and continue  to emotionally destroy you at the same time.  He used the excuse of alcohol then morphed into a theory that my pain was a result of my own doing. He had nothing to do with why I was hurting. I had the option of either being upset or not being upset and any heartbreak I experienced was my own doing.   He was absent from fault or blame of any of it.   Over the years, I was broken down and beaten up emotionally. I suppose that i was not perfect. I did not always perform in a manner that would be considered “grace under pressure”. In fact there were times when I probably acted outright crazy.   But was this reason enough to continue doing the one thing that caused me the most hurt? Were my faults so horrible that I deserved to be emotionally destroyed?  I doubt it. ...