When I was a teenager, my mother told me that I was too forgiving . I found her comment absurd. How could someone be too forgiving? Is that not the basis of religion as well as mental health?Forgiveness leads to healing. Over the years, I used forgiveness as a way to make peace, not only within myself but between myself and the individual I was at odds with. It wasn’t just a mental act on my part. I physically made attempts at making peace and forgiving transgressions, even if they were not asked for or deserved. I would think about that person, what they liked, what they enjoyed, desired, needed. For neighbors falling on hard times, I would go through my freezer and deliver food. For arguments between friends, I would find something sentimental to the relationship and offer it up whether it be a gift or a letter, for women who continually invaded my romantic life, I would go shopping. When my 1st husband had sex at an after work party with a co worker it was difficult to say the least. The pain was unfortunately familiar as it was not his first transgression within the marriage. The pain and jealousy in began to eat away inside me. I could not take it anymore. It was close to Christmas and I knew a few basic things about the woman from spending time at my husband’s work. I knew she liked to cook, so I bought a hardcover recipe book from a well liked tourist attraction with fine dining restaurants. She liked wine, so I picked out two delicate and etched wine glasses. I wrapped them up, walked into her work, put the gifts in front of her, and walked away. I was told there was a lot of shock and humility upon opening. This was not my goal although admittedly it was an unexpected perk. My goal was for this physical act to release the anger inside me. It didn’t have anything to do with her or her feelings. I could have cared less about that. It was a tangible event that triggered forgiveness within myself. A way for me to tell myself that it was ok to stop being angry at her.
Marriage to my 2nd husband was more complicated. Where my 1st husband had actual affairs involving sexual acts, my 2nd had emotional affairs. It started out harmless enough that I could tell. The rise of the internet gave way to chat rooms and private messages. He began what would later be named “sexting” only it was carried out by aol and yahoo. He came to me saying his ex girlfriend popped up on the computer while he was playing an online game of backgammon and started talking to him. They had played a few times and he said she told him that she wondered what I would think if I knew what was going on between them. He stated he was afraid she would contact me and wanted to give me a heads up. Time passed and more was revealed. They had actually been using the web cam. She wanted to see his dick and he obliged her. He felt it would be better coming from him but I was assured it meant nothing. The excuse was that he was drunk. The conversation evolved into other women he had met in the chat rooms and encounters he had had. He described it as nothing more than live porn and as we had looked at a few magazines and watched a few videos together, it was purely entertainment. I was even encouraged to try it myself. What he described did not seem right to me, but I was a woman with two children and no means to support myself. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I made a half hearted attempt. I was terrible at it. I mostly had conversations about work, travel, hobbies, things I would have discussed with my husband. And I still felt as if I was cheating. I think I may have been the worst “sexter” ever. As time and time again would prove, he had jealousy and trust issues. He installed spyware onto the computer to be able to read everything I typed. One night we were in a romantic embrace, and he broke down and told me about it. He said he couldn’t handle the idea that I was involved in the act that he had introduced me to in the first place. As I wasn’t really ok with it, I was eager to assure him that if he had issues with it then WE wouldn’t do it anymore. Emphasis on we. What follows was that I was held to a higher standard of loyalty than he would offer me. He continued the online activity in secret, scooping up new technology as it became available, texting, MySpace, Facebook. The online world was his oyster and it snowballed into something other than a midnight flash on a web cam. Each time his activities were revealed to me it was like a dagger to my heart. I felt if I was capable of obstaining from these activities because of his feelings, why was he not able to do the same? Was I not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, just plain Enough for him??? He was my knight in shining armor. Saving me from my last bad relationship. He was as my comfort and assurance that I deserved better. But here I was feeling like used garbage, worthless, and most of all disposable. He could say there was only one me and tell me I was overreacting, but his actions kept saying otherwise. How could someone love you and continue to emotionally destroy you at the same time. He used the excuse of alcohol then morphed into a theory that my pain was a result of my own doing. He had nothing to do with why I was hurting. I had the option of either being upset or not being upset and any heartbreak I experienced was my own doing. He was absent from fault or blame of any of it. Over the years, I was broken down and beaten up emotionally. I suppose that i was not perfect. I did not always perform in a manner that would be considered “grace under pressure”. In fact there were times when I probably acted outright crazy. But was this reason enough to continue doing the one thing that caused me the most hurt? Were my faults so horrible that I deserved to be emotionally destroyed? I doubt it. ...
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