John F Kennedy once said, “We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea, whether it is to sail or to watch-we are going back from whence we came.”
For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved the ocean. In fact, my earliest memory is of sitting at the window looking out at the water with my “cookie and a bookie”. I don’t remember the book I had or what kind of cookie I ate (my mom was into health food, chances are it was carob or oatmeal ), but I remember the ocean. There was a storm coming in and the wind had started whistling against the window. Sand swirled on the ground below the beach house, layers of grey tossed and turned the water giving way to a low growl, keeping time with the loud roar coming from the clouds above. I’ve often wondered why this particular memory has stayed so vivid in my mind. I couldn’t have been more than 3 years old. Who remembers what happened when they were that young?
My personality is a lot like those waves. An independent thinker, yearning to walk the opposite direction of the crowd. As a child I seemed to constantly overstep and run the show. A battle of wills which prompted my mother to issue “The curse”, to have a child just like me. I ended up with that times 3. All 3 girls, in their own way, battle stereotypes, speak their minds, and unashamedly will flip off any rule that isn’t practical or reasonable.
The difference between them and I, is that through the years, I was conditioned to believe that my actions were a threat to the headship arrangement set up by the religion. Where they thrive and grow in their unique attitudes, I shrunk and withered. I was broken and spent my youth pushing my personality into a box that didn’t fit. I say the religion rather than God, because as with anything, you can have a good, solid system in motion and eventually, somebody will come along and take it to an extreme for which it was never intended. Headship, it’s not necessarily a bad plan to set up a structure that benefitted society at that particular point in time. I do not know if the original intent was to keep women in line and subject to any whim her mate had at the time, however it seems almost natural to me to fight against the notion.
Submission to someone can be tricky. I can submit to my employer making rules and decisions about their business. Sometimes the employer will listen to the workers suggestions and concerns, sometimes they do not. But here’s the kicker, if I don’t agree, if it becomes a burden, if I am incapable of continuing under that leadership, I have the right to leave their employ. This was not an option allowed to women once that ring was on her finger where I grew up. This rule was something that imprisoned me on many occasions. Not only did I feel violated and hurt at times, I was also told I had no grounds to leave. When an opportunity arose, I was so beaten down emotionally, I couldn’t imagine why anyone would want someone like me, so I stayed. Even though I left the religion, the mentality stuck with me. I not only remained in toxic situations but invited more in under the guise of compromise. But the only thing I really compromised was myself, my values, my dreams for the future.
My true personality was still there. Underneath all the chains and fog. It would manifest itself in ways I wouldn’t have expected. The desire to go against the norm could be overpowering. I remember once, we had gone to see a musical in downtown Seattle. After the show, we were on the sidewalk and the next thing I know, people were running toward me. Chaos and screaming, someone shouting out , “Gun! He fired a gun!” I stood there as people ran by me, like water flowing around a rock in the river. Soon it stopped and there was nothing but quiet. Even the hotdog vendor was gone, he left his food, cart, and the wind was gently blowing the dollars in his money box. It was the oddest feeling of calm inside me. My ex said, “well I guess we can go this way (pointing the same direction that everyone ran in) go around the block over there and reach the parking garage down that way”. The words just fell out of my mouth, “ But my car is right over there.” I pointed in the direction where they all ran from. I started walking. I passed windows of hotel lobbies and restaurants, where people were ducking inside, hugging each other, crying, calling someone on their cell phone to give them an update on the situation. I remember observing and knowing why but not really feeling what they felt. I wouldn’t call it confusion or indifference. It just felt like I was watching a movie. I remember faces, and thinking, they’re scared, but just kept walking forward. It was like a compulsion. I had to go this way, my body and brain refused to allow me to turn around. What exactly went down, I still don’t know. Later, someone said a few shots were fired off from a car at a specific person then drove off. No one was hurt. But by then I was in my own car driving home. I still think about it, I should have gone the way the crowd went, I should have wanted to. That was the safest route. But I don’t remember it with fear or regret. I just didn’t have the desire. I don’t think I would do it differently given the chance.
Eventually you come to a crossroad and have to decide, do I continue down this path or do I change direction? Mine came when the doctor looked at me and said “Welcome to middle age!” Middle age??? What? Middle means half. And half my life had been spent unhappy. I suddenly found myself rebelling, speaking up, sometimes being downright bitchy. Unbeknownst to me, that was the domino that fell, creating a series of events that led to my divorce. Refusal to accept certain behavior, regardless of past compromises, arrangements, and deals. I was the only one keeping them anyway. He did what he wanted regardless. But having someone unwilling to settle for half a life with him wasn’t something he was interested in. I wanted the whole thing, a real marriage with respect. I stopped asking for it and started demanding it.
You see, being a wild wave isn’t necessarily about being reckless or causing problems where they don’t exist, rebelling simply for the sake of rebelling. If you use it right, it becomes a powerful tool to use in getting yourself up off the ground and standing tall. Becoming a person that can lead, speak up for what’s right, setting boundaries that protect yourself and mental well being. I see it in my girls. They aren’t robots, far from it. The disagree and argue all the time, amongst themselves, in school, work, everywhere at any time. But that kind of tenacity develops an individual that has no problem saying ‘No’. My oldest stepping in front of a stranger getting yelled at by someone, sending them on their way. My youngest badgering her father for money at Christmas instead of gifts, then donating it to the food bank. My middle child stopping the entire play at a soccer game to run back to a player from the opposite team that fell and hadn’t gotten up, taking her hand and helping her walk to her sideline. They will go, without hesitation in the opposite direction than most people in today’s society would do. They get involved, no questions, no wait and sees, just instinct. I’m proud of that.
In a lot of ways I am learning from them and for them, what healthy boundaries are and how to keep them. More and more as the days pass, I feel like myself again. I feel stronger both physically and emotionally. I am teaching myself to stop thinking so much and allowing myself to emerge, to let go, to find that ocean and start moving in it. Wild waves making noise, fighting the shoreline, standing up against the thunder that roars above it, creating a beauty all its own. Waves are a response to the chaos that comes from the wind and the rain, the storm that arrives, the shore that tries to stop them, the moon stirring above them. They protect the ocean, no, they are the ocean, they protect themselves. You can never contain a wave in a box. Inside the container, it’s only saltwater, flat, motionless. It’s meant to be free, let it go. Be yourself. Whoever you are, be that person. And as you swirl and pound that ocean shore, if you see that box waiting for you, tempting you to enter……CRUSH IT and send the bits and pieces out to sea where they belong.
