March 2021
How many times have we seen or heard something that was wrong and we faced the age old dilemma of whether to stand up and say something or let it ride without any interference on our part? Let’s face it, turning our heads and pretending we don’t see what’s happening is so much easier than being the person that takes that first step, voices the first objection, cries out to right the wrong. Do we not have much better things to do with our time? Families to take care of, jobs that take our attention and energy, hobbies, projects; stepping up means focusing on something or someone other than ourselves, and today, that is an obscure concept to say the least.
But is that really the reason we turn a blind eye to wrong doing or unfairness? We aren’t being honest with ourselves if we don’t admit in certain situations, doing the right thing puts us in awkward and uncomfortable positions. Doing the right thing sometimes produces an environment that feels as if we have to choose between friends or be seen as a traitor, a rat, even disloyal to some sort of code. The simplest answer is that all too familiar phrase, “I don’t want to get involved.”
Not getting involved seems to be very common when dealing with couples. Nobody wants to be involved when it comes to disagreements or arguments between married persons, nor should they. Couples should work out their own issues without interference from outside influence or busybodies causing more division than help. Anyone wanting to participate in such things rarely have the couples best interests at heart, most likely with other agenda they are working at. There is however, a grey area. This blurry, swirling, questionable place that when we find ourselves standing, the internal struggle can seem like those cartoons with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.
Fidelity..... ouch. It’s uncomfortable to even think about when it comes to friends, even acquaintances or coworkers. For some, having knowledge of a person’s hanky-panky is a moral quandary. We can empathize as to how we would feel in the situation if we were the innocent party. We can put ourselves in the shoes of the offender. We may even have been the target of attempted advances or have watched the predator stalk it’s prey. But ultimately, deep down in our gut, what most of us really want, is to not have been privy to any of it. The right thing to do, what is the right thing to do? Informing someone that their spouse is a two timing dog can totally backfire. We could be accused of starting trouble, lying, being jealous, loving drama. We could end up with tears on our shoulders or angry fists banging on our doors. We could end up watching a relationship unravel before our eyes or worse, it doesn’t. Do you lose a friend? Both friends? Is it something you can bounce back from and things go back to normal? That would be very unlikely. Stepping up and providing that kind of information means someone’s life, including your own, is going to change. No wonder the majority of people aware of their friends affairs, flirtations, and indiscretions simply keep their mouth shut. Their heart might go out to the unknowing person, but it’s the same phrase thats uttered, “I don’t want to get involved .” There’s too much to have to deal with to do the right thing. It’s too messy. And it’s certainly going to cause problems for everyone.
As a wife that has been on the other side of a cheater most of my life, I’ll tell you what I think. DO IT ANYWAY.
You see, you are already involved, neck deep, treading water in a thunderstorm. By looking the other way, you are making decisions for the victim (Yes, I said victim). Decisions that are not yours to make. First, You are in fact deciding for the non offending spouse that they should stay in an unhealthy relationship. No matter the excuse given for cheating, you should keep in mind, if a person is cheating, then they are lying. If they can lie to a person they stood up and made a commitment to love and honor till death do they part, they can certainly lie to you without so much as quiver in their throat. Not to mention, regardless of the reasons, there is no justification of that type of behavior if the spouse is unaware and not ok with it. Second, we do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Are we so arrogant to believe that our unsuspecting pal is blissfully happy? People live in abusive and unloving situations everyday and no one is none the wiser. Has it ever occurred that this person has been emotionally beat down to the point that they don’t have any confidence in their own judgement anymore? That maybe, someone reaching out to them and validating that what is going on is wrong, might be what keeps them going, or gets them the help they need to finally leave a destructive relationship? Third, you are taking their physical health into your hands. Do we know the details of this person’s disloyalty? Is it just inappropriate behavior or actual sex? Was it one time or an affair that lasted a while? Was it just one person or more than one? Did they use protection? Do they get checked for STDs regularly? If you can’t answer these with complete assurance (and remember, you’re dealing with someone capable of lying effortlessly) then you have no right to keep that information from the unknowing partner, regardless of how uncomfortable it may make you or how badly things could turn out. If you lose friends, well that’s a shame, but you did the right thing, and the right thing isn’t always easy.
Once it was decided that my husband and I were finally calling it quits , I was under the impression I knew most of what had gone on behind my back. Under the circumstances, I did what I thought I should do and got checked for STDs. My soon to be ex pretty much told me it was a waste of time because of time frames and such, but I was soon very glad that I had done it anyway and very relieved everything came back ok. Once the rumor mill started buzzing that the end was near, then, and only then, did people start crawling out of the woodpile. Person after person, story after story, name after name. I began to wonder who the heck I had been married to, some twisted , alcoholic version of Don Juan? While I was grateful for the validation because it took away any and all guilt I had left over from my decision to walk away, it was hard to know that over the years, so many people had my life in their hands. But I get it, we haven’t been raised to view this sort of thing from that aspect. To most of us, it’s a simple formula of not wanting to cause any trouble. We haven’t been raised or trained to think information we hold is in fact not ours to hide. It belongs to someone else. What they choose to do with it is up to them, but it is their’s and their’s alone. I’m not angry. I have literally made the same decision to turn away and hope things turn out better than they are as I know it. Honestly, I think that’s how life works. We are taught by experience, then we try to teach others. If they listen they pass it on and so forth. Ideas and attitudes change. If they don’t then life keeps throwing lessons out to people till eventually the point gets across.
So here is my lesson for you. Do the right thing. Even if you don’t know how it will turn out. Good or bad, get involved. If you do it for years and it makes a difference for only one single person, I promise, That’s success.
