The betrayal of a lover devastating. However I do not think there is anything more gut wrenching than the betrayal of a friend. I think a lot of times individuals don’t ever truly let their guard down in love. In friendship however, it is not uncommon to share the secrets you carry deep within your soul.
My first husband could have made cheating an Olympic sport. There were plenty of red flags before marriage but we were raised that sex before marriage was prohibited. In fact dating itself was for the purpose of finding a marriage mate. It was not a social activity or rite of passage. It wasn’t a way for one to get to know and explore different personalities, allowing them to grow and figure out what they wanted in a lifetime partner. Marrying young was a given. We were red blooded teenagers in search of taboo. I was actually older than most at a month shy of 24. My husband was 18. The week we came home from our honeymoon he started a six month affair with one of my friends that I have known from childhood. The day he confessed to me that it had happened I was in shock. I could not even think. I started to have problems breathing, my vision had this grey fog as if maybe I was going to pass out. My body was shaking uncontrollably. His attempts to comfort me just made things worse. It was at this point I realized that toward him I felt anger, a deep disgusting loathing of fury. But I was not surprised by the confession. In fact I had many premonitions that this day would come. It was expected. The pain was from the friends part. This was where the hurt and agony was felt. Memories of dancing around the back yard and driving through the country, head out the sunroof , hands up screaming in the wind, would flash through my mind. Long talks and secrets we shared echoed through my mind. I had never cried so hard in my life. The relationship with my husband hit rocky ground but for me the abscence of her from my life was like a hammer to my soul.
My 2nd husband as mention before, excelled in the art of emotional affairs. It was pointed out that his addictive personality could have something to do with it. What he got from these women equaled a high. A release of uphoric chemicals in the brain that brought him up. He could tell them anything, he could be anything, and they responded in ways that boosted his self esteem. Eventually, he would realize he is not the man they think he is and the feeling comes down. So he had to do it again and again to get the thrill. But like most drug and alcohol experiences, it’s never going to feel as good as the first few times it happens. The body however, now craves what it had even if the high isn’t felt. He couldn’t stop because he would never run out of women and lies. The internet opened up limitless possibilities. While the discovery of these indiscretions was painful, there was none more damaging to me than yet another friend. I was pregnant with our youngest child, he hated when I was pregnant. He also hated his job, which of course translated to hating his life. My friend was going through a divorce. She was raised with us and married young too. Her husband however never got over the taste for young girls and she quickly aged out. He had eyes for the babysitter. The magic of MySpace got all of us in touch with each other. I can not tell you how lonely I felt during that time. Many days I would wake up and the only thing that brightened my day was an email or message from her waiting to be read on my computer. What I didn’t know was my husband was talking to her regularly as well. Thus began what a few counselors called an “inappropriate relationship” while others dubbed it an “emotional affair”, basically the same thing. I did not find out until almost a year later. When my husband had been acting strange. He kept baiting me, asking me what I had heard about him. His paranoia was at a height I had never seen. So I decided to do what he had dared me to do, and I went in search of his secret. There on the computer screen inside his email were my friends boobs looking back at me. The familiar feeling of icy cold from head to toe started to flow through me. Those symptoms from years before came raging back. This could not be happening again. Another friend lost and another marriage heading for annialation.
Forgiveness is a funny thing. Two friends betrayals but different end results. My friend from the first husband is still in my life. Inevitably, the relationship is not the same and never will be. But I have truly forgiven her. I consider her a friend. I have confided in her, asked for advice and There is trust. The second is not that way. Why the difference? Because of each woman’s response. My first friend upon learning I was aware, did not make excuses. A simple and honest apology came from her. It was a few years before we reconnected, but not once did she contact my husband. Even when we finally divorced, there was no rekindled relationship.The 2nd friend hung on. The two of them, husband and friend, coming up with creative ways to keep in touch. The loss of control I felt over my life sent me to a very dark place. Something inside me broke. I turned to what I had always done In the past, Forgiveness. Years passed and I thought I had conquered the pain but, as my husband continued his online addictions, it was always present. When my husband moved out, he told someone he was leaving me because this 2nd friend had broken up with her long term boyfriend. My inquiries were met with denials, but my instinct had been right. Over the years they kept that line of communication open. When they were both in limbo in their relationships they leaned on each other. My marriage over the past year has been a roller coaster. Sometimes we had reconciled sometimes we hadn’t, Up and down like a see saw. But in the back ground she was always there lurking, available for whatever boost he needed and calling it friendship. Again he opens everything up to me, saying check on him at anytime, and it would prove he had nothing to hide. I was his one and only. What I didn’t realize at the time was he had hidden accounts under a fake name for the majority of his correspondence. But there was one he forgot about. One he missed. So as I stared at yet another picture of her tits in his inbox from only 3 months prior, I could not help but think my mother was right. I forgive too easily. The explanation from her was “most of her friends have seen her tits so it should no big deal”, and that “it was no different than what he would see on a porn site.” So what’s wrong with it? Maybe I’m just an old fashioned kind of woman but I think something’s very wrong with it, on both his and her part. This new snap shot had been sent during a time when he got drunk and filled out divorce papers. So she had sent it I guess, to celebrate. Congrats on the divorce, here’s the jugs that started it all. A joke to her, but an insult to me. Sorry but that’s just a bad person. A month after he filled those papers out, (that were never signed) he was begging me to just forget about them, to start over and give it another try, but he kept the photo and the “friendship”. Now here’s another boundary issue. If there is any chance at the marriage surviving there can be no “buddy”, no online women , no more any of it. Whether we make it or not, I don’t know. But forgiveness from this point on is given in small quantities. I miss the person I was, but the person I am now refuses to let the old me out of the box.
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