That morning I had the pleasure of experiencing another event known only to the middle aged and older ladies- the mammogram. After spending my morning hunched over two pieces of what was some see- through fiber glass or plastic plates that flattened the puppies into pancakes, I grabbed an appointment verification for my boss and headed to work. When I arrived there were two of my co workers already outside trying to see as the eclipse was about to begin. I'm not sure why I paused to chat, chatting hasn't really been my thing over the years. Generally I do my job and don't socialize much. More programming from my youth. As children we were taught never get too close to those outside the religion. Only those inside the circle, had a chance at surviving Armageddon, and even that was not a guarantee. It would be emotionally damaging to grow attached to a "worldly" person and then see their dead carcass being eaten by birds after their ultimate destruction. Learning how to socialize or make friends was not something I was taught or felt comfortable doing. My friends were picked for me . Like the eclipse, my parents were a rare phenomenon as well. They ended up divorced. At the time this was almost unheard of among them. And like the eclipse, our situation was watched by our fellow religious members with curiosity and caution. We were talked about, observed, and They always protected themselves from the damage that could happen if dismissed, as potentially dangerous. When very young my father and mother were higher up on the spiritual food chain. When they decided to divorce, something that was looked down upon and only allowed under strict, specific circumstances, they fell from grace. My brother was 12 years older than me and already out of the faith, living on his own. I was still in elementary school. As the circumstances of adultery were met by my father, my mother was allowed a "scriptural divorce". However without a male figure head inside our family unit of two, she was also looked at as spiritually weak. She was led to believe she was unable to be whole without the headship of a man as well. We were for all intents and purposes, marked. We were worthy of being part of the congregation but to be associated with caution as our weakened spiritual state could bring others into a low state of piety. So here I was, maybe 10 years old, unable to associate with those on the outside but unable to have close ties to anyone inside either. I was essentially put into a bubble and unable to learn how to be a part of any group regardless the situation. I was awkward at parties and get togethers. I was the wall flower. I worked hard in school and at jobs, came home, and mostly stayed alone in my room, imagining and pretending that I had a life or friends like other people.
I stopped where my co workers stood. I had been reaching out more since my husband had moved out two years before, but it had taken me this long to even feel comfortable joining in like a normal person. Soon a 3rd and a 4th came out. Before you knew it, the whole office was outside. One person had the forethought to buy eclipse glasses, and we passed them around among the 20 or so that shuffled back and forth through out the event. Before I knew it, I was having conversations and joking amongst my co workers. Had I done this before? Yes. But it was an odd feeling that day. As if I were watching myself from outside. I actually became part of a group, a team. We comfort and care for others but here I am, right in the middle of the group, chatting and watching the moon float across the path of the sun. Look at me. I have been employed here for almost 3 years and although it was a slow process I finally felt confident about my place in this little world. I had blocked out the blinding light of my upbringing, that kept me from seeing my potential. I could see, I wasn't the wall flower here. I was part of the nucleus. I had eclipsed.
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